Thursday, October 21, 2010

Seasonal Purification

"Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond the pain."
- St. Bartholomew

Every year it seems to come earlier
and stay longer
the cloak of clouds that covers me seems to be heavier
than the previous year
dark emotion surrounds me,
suffocates me,
becomes me

I've tried to escape; tried running away,
but it always overtook me
I've tried numbing it with food and alcohol,
but I only ended up feeling worse
I've turned to prayer,
but my words get caught in my throat and I
have to depend on the Holy Spirit
to groan inexpressibly within me

I am useless against it
I can only accept it,
live with it,
embrace it

for this darkness is God working within me
purifying me of everything that comes between
my Creator and me

Somehow He must believe that
I am strong enough
to withstand the pain
and so I must trust in Him
and in His love for me

until the Summer sun shines
in my heart once again.


  1. Anne, this poem broke my heart. Are you referring to spiritual darkness? Or a seasonal depression?

  2. Anne,
    I'm praying for you, my friend. Suffering is very difficult - especially internal suffering that no one else can understand. I wish I had some words to comfort you. I have been in this place before and it can be unbearable at times, whether physical or spiritual (and I've had both). Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Though others may not understand the depth of your pain, Jesus surely does and He will get you through this.

  3. Sending you hugs Anne! Have you seen this quote: "The world promises you comfort, but you were not made for comfort. You were made for greatness." ~Pope Benedict XVI~ I don't know you personally but this is the reflection I see from you here on your blog. God has special plans for you! Just keep on loving! "Love, and He will draw near; love and He will dwell within you." St. Augustine

  4. Anne the quote is wonderful. St Bart certainly has a point, but that being said emotional pain and suffering is sometimes more difficult than physical pain to bear.
    Please know you are in my prayers. May springtime return to your soul soon.
    Hugs & Blessings!

  5. Praying for God to brightly shine His Love in your soul. God Bless You!

  6. Thanks for all the prayers! It's the best gift in the world!

    Maria, I'm sure it's seasonal depression, I'm not holy enough for a dark night, but, I do know that God is in this depression, loving me and using it to draw me closer to Him, and for that I am most grateful and that knowledge makes the darkness of depression easier to bear. I think of one of my favorite quotes from Julian of Norwich:

    "I was left to myself in heaviness and weariness of my life, and irksomeness of myself, so that scarcely I would have patience to live. Souls sometimes be in comfort and for profit of man's soul, a man is sometimes left to himself. Freely our Lord giveth when he will; and suffereth us to be in woe sometimes. And both are one love."

  7. The clouds of darkness in this photograph are so telling of what is going on within...but if you look at this picture carefully you see that the light surrounds and enters into the darkness giving way to hope.

    May His light surround your darkness today and always.