"Every morning, we strive to say our fiat to the Lord. Bring your will on, Father, bring it on to me. Make me your courageous and generous servant!"
~Bishop Donald Hying
I'm looking back upon a time that had been spiritually challenging for me. I had worked myself into a worry-filled anxious knot, doing too much and struggling for control of my life instead of leaving it the hands of the Lord, trusting that He always knows what is best for me and will bring me through each and every trial that comes my way. Like a passenger in an airplane who panics at the loss of control, I kept reaching for the steering wheel of life, trying to point it in the direction I thought I should go instead of relaxing into faith, allowing the Pilot to do His job. The result of my lack of trust was many turbulent and tear-filled days of travel instead of a relaxing joy ride of life. I lay awake at night, panic searing through my veins, and walked through my days in a state of dread and near exhaustion.
I felt as if there was something I needed to do, something I actually could do, to plan upcoming events smoothly, to ease the pain in the lives of my friends who are suffering, to take charge of the actions of others, to control my children's behavior, to work out financial worries. I wanted every one to see that my way was the right way, that I had all the answers, that I was in control. I wanted to be God. But there is only one God and it will never be me.
It wasn't until I heard the words whispered through the internet -"Anne, you need to chill"- that I realized how annoying I had become. The fire of worry had gripped my heart and caused me to frantically try to control every detail of life, including those that were out of my grasp. I didn't know how to extinguish it, how to change and surrender to God's will for me. And so I prayed. And I waited. And I cried. And I prayed some more and the peace of humility gradually worked its way back into my soul. Little by little my prayers for peace allowed God to break the anxious spell to which I had succumbed and like a breath of Spirit-filled fresh air wafting though a breezy summer day, I let go of my need for control and leaned into a trusting faith in His love for me.
Like taking a mini-retreat, my weary soul is always refreshed with an early morning walk along the rocky shores of Lake Michigan, searching for those glistening sea glass treasures that I love. Just as I search through the rocks and the rubble on the lake shore with the goal of finding those now softened shards of glass, the Lord, too, searches through the rocks and rubble of my heart hoping to find the now softened organ of life that desires only to serve Him with complete trust and fidelity, to answer His call to serve Him by seeking out and obeying His will for me in all things, until once again I can say "Bring it on, Father, bring your will on to me. I am yours."