Etty Hillesum

I've been re-reading one of my favorite books, An Interrupted Life:  The Diary of Etty Hillesum.  Etty Hillesum was a Dutch Jew who died in Auschwitz.  This book is her story in prayers and conversation with God written during the few years preceding her death. It's a tale that overflows with inspiration chronicling her journey to a deep and vibrant faith.  Despite the persecution that Etty not only witnessed, but also endured, she remained full of love and hope, never giving in to despair and bitterness over her fate.  What  a remarkable woman!  Here are some quotes that move my heart.  Hope they move yours, too...

"I love people so very terribly, because in every human being I love something of You."

"The jasmine behind my house has been completely ruined by the rains and storms of the last few days, its white blossoms are floating about in muddy black pools on the low garage roof. But somewhere inside me the jasmine continues to blossom undisturbed, just as profusely and delicately as it ever did. And it spreads its scent around the House in which You dwell, oh God. You can see, I look after You, I bring You not only my tears and forebodings on this stormy, grey Sunday morning, I even bring You scented jasmine."

"You are sure to go through some lean times with me now and then, when my faith weakens a little, but believe me, I shall always labor for you and remain faithful to You and I shall never drive You from my presence."

"And what those who say 'You live too intensely' do not know is that one can withdraw into a prayer as into a convent cell and leave again with renewed strength and with peace regained."

"And when the turmoil becomes too great and I am completely at my wits end, then I still have my folded hands and my bended knee...it is my most precious inheritance...the girl who learned to pray. That is my most intimate gesture, more intimate than even being with a man. After all, one can't pour the whole of one's love out over a single man, can one?" (*my favorite!)

My Brother, The Pope-A Book Review

It's hard to believe that our Holy Father is now 85 years old having celebrated his birthday just yesterday! God bless him! It seems that those who are related to our famous religious leaders have been drawn to share their stories of what it was like to grow up with such saintly siblings. Recently Bob Dolan wrote a charming book, Life Lessons, about his brother Timothy Cardinal Dolan and now Georg Ratzinger has come out with My Brother, The Pope which is an equally enchanting and sweet book filled with his tender memories about growing up with Pope Benedict.

The book of memoirs written by the older brother of Pope Benedict opens our eyes to what it was like to grow up in the holy and faith-filled family that produced our current fabulous pope. It is filled with family photos that add vibrancy to the author's words.

I was most impressed to read about how the Ratzinger family suffered through World War II and about the rapid rise of the young priest, Fr. Joseph Ratzinger, into the world of academics and faith. But what touched my heart most deeply were the references to Pope Benedict's love for bears beginning with his early childhood love for a toy teddy bear. It's the type of information that the world just would never learn about if there weren't a sibling willing to share those little life details.

I was deeply struck by Georg Ratzinger's recollections of meals that he personally ate that fondly remained in his heart so much so that he had to include the details in this book of memoirs. It seemed to me to be an unusual sharing of something that was personally significant to the author and it made me smile to think of how food and the sharing of a meal can have such an important place in all of our memories. Nearly every chapter contained a description of a memorable meal which the author enjoyed, such as this passage where he recounted a trip to attend his uncle's funeral after the family had been mistakenly led to believe that their father had died:

"...I accompanied him on that trip to Rickering, his birthplace. That same day, the clergy of the deanery met at the parish in Schwanenkirchen, and I was also invited to attend. "You sit here", they said, and then a wonderful Bavarian snack was served, which I ate with great relish: smoked meat (bacon), bread and butter, and a beer with it. Things like that leave an impression, you do not forget them for the rest of your life! But it all tasted twice as good because I was so relieved that our father was still alive."

I couldn't help but notice the similarities between Georg Ratzinger's frequent recollections of memorable meals and Bob Dolan's oft-mentioned stories of memorable drinks that he shared with his brother, Cardinal Dolan. And this was not the only part of Pope Benedict's and Cardinal Dolan's stories written by their brothers that seemed quite similar...

Throughout Life Lessons, Bob Dolan insists that his brother will never be Pope despite the fact that rumors are nearly always swirling about stating that Cardinal Dolan would make very good Pope material. Could that be because he harbors a fear that if his brother were to become Pope someday, he would lose the close relationship that he has always valued with his brother, that as Pope, Cardinal Dolan would have fewer opportunities to spend time with his family? That certainly seemed to be the concern of Georg Ratzinger when Pope John Paul II had become seriously ill during his final days of life:

"...I was repeatedly asked by people and by journalists too, whether my brother would become pope. My answer was always the same: "No, he certainly will not!"...

And his story about how he finally heard the news about his brother actually being chosen to be the successor to St. Peter was deeply touching:

"I even experienced the "Habemus Papem" live. At the time I was called by a journalist who said she had just heard that white smoke had gone up in Rome and wanted to hear from me whether I knew anything more specific. "No," I answered truthfully, "I know nothing." Then I turned on the television and heard it there, like everybody else....I must quite honestly say that at that moment I was rather disheartened. It was a great challenge, an enormous task for him, I thought, and I was seriously worried. I saw neither the pomp nor the beauty of it, but only the challenge of this office, which now demanded everything of him, and the burden it meant for him. And I was sad that now he would probably have no more time for me. So that evening I went to bed rather depressed."

I can't imagine what it must be like to have such a famous and well-loved brother, one you'd like to keep for yourself but instead must share with the world. But now through the words of Georg Ratzinger, I have a little better idea of who our beloved Pope Benedict really is and of how much he and his older brother and fellow priest value their close family relationship which from every aspect seemed to be formed through a normal family life filled with love and prayer.

I heartily enjoyed My Brother, The Pope, and read through it quickly and eagerly. I am confident that all those who open the pages of this book will be deeply drawn into the loving story of two brothers whose only life desire has been to serve the Lord through the use of their talents and to draw others closer to Him and to His wondrous love.

(If you are in the Milwaukee area, you may be interested in attending a book signing and discussion with Bob Dolan about his book Life Lessons at St. Francis de Sales Seminary on April 23rd. You can view the event details at the Vocations Office Website "Think Priest" which can be found at this link.)

Seven Quick Takes-It's Summer!

I'm living easy these days, or at least,I'm trying to. The kids are home for summer break and so I thought a summer quick takes would be in order...

1. When the kids are home and Paul and I are at work, we do quite a bit of communicating through e-mail. It's a great way for me to silently keep tabs on the home life while not interfering with my work. I like to call it e-tattling since that's what the majority of the messages I receive contain. On the first day of summer break, it was my two youngest who were home while the three oldest were finishing up their final exams at school. I received an e-mail with a very interesting question: "Do eyebrows grow back?" Sometimes an e-mail reply won't suffice and a phone call is in order. Let's just say we are grateful that it is summer break and the eyebrowless child won't be fodder for classroom teasing!

2. I had forgotten how beautiful my son Joe's eyes were because for the past year he kept them hidden behind a mop of hair. He took it upon himself to hike on over to the $5.00 haircut shop (not Otto the Barber-but a deal just the same) after his final exam for the year and I didn't recognize him when he walked in the door. It was $5.00 very well spent and the sight of my handsome son with short hair is the best part of my summer so far!

3. So, between shaving eyebrows and fabulous haircuts, I got to wondering about the mystery of hair. Why is it that hair on our extremities quits growing after it reaches a certain length, but the hair on the top of our heads would continue indefinitely unless we lose it? Maybe that's a good summer research topic!

4. My family and I had been struggling with the decision of whether or not to pull our two youngest out of Catholic school next year in favor of tuition-free public schools. I had gone so far as to enroll them at our neighborhood public schools when I learned that the grade school only offers split classes. Being quite biased from my own negative childhood experiences in split classrooms, I decided to quit fighting my husband (who was against the idea of public schools to begin with; and what kind of Catholic mother am I anyway for even considering public schools?) and sacrifice the finances to keep the little ones in the Catholic school. This decision was met with great joy by Jack and Mary and was blessed with a little sign from God in the form of a small scholarship check that arrived in the mail on the very same day the decision was made. God does answer prayer!

5. It's a well known fact that all mothers earnestly pray for the well-being and success of their children and often ask others to pray for their children as well. Now, I've a spiritual son for whom I'd like to ask prayers. John Howard, the brainchild behind the (now-closed) worldwide website A Vocation to be a Priest has completed his high school exams and is off to the seminary to begin preparation for the priesthood. Please keep him and all seminarians and those discerning a call to the priesthood in your prayers!

6. And while you're praying for seminarians and those in discernment, perhaps you'd like to pray for an increase to vocations as well. If you happen to be in the Milwaukee area this weekend, it would be a thrill to meet you at the Holy Hour for Vocations at St. Francis de Sales Seminary (3257 S. Lake Dr.) at 2 PM on Sunday. These monthly holy hours are hosted by Roses for Our Lady and we will be honoring Bishop-elect Hying, our spiritual director, at the social that follows prayer. Stop in and offer a word of congratulations to Milwaukee's newest bishop!

7. I've been devoting all of my spiritual reading to the subject of the Sacred Heart of Jesus this June. I have currently plunged into The Letters of St. Margaret Mary Alocoque. I think that the letters written by the saints reveal their true hearts and souls in a far deeper manner than the words written about them in biographies. I was particularly moved by this passage:

"Go on blindly, forget yourself, let Him act in you, for He loves you. If you try to do too much you will only prevent Him from furthering the work of your perfection."

So, dear friends, I plan to enjoy a summer that has a little less hair, a lot more prayer and the quiet peace that comes from letting the Sacred Heart of Jesus work within me. Perhaps, I will also enjoy soaking up a bit more sunshine, since the very kind Holly at A Lifesize Catholic has bestowed a "Sunshine Award" upon me and my blog and shared the following words:

"I’m drawn to Anne and her posts because she makes serious religion engaging. I fear that many are lost to religion because when you start getting past what I teach in 1st grade, it gets a little, uh … shall I say, challenging, demanding, and serious. Somehow, Anne is able to be in the realm of the latter, and still get to people like me—the academically-religiously-challenged—engaged. Her light is a bright beam in my world."

Thanks Holly! I'm feeling significantly warmer from the light in your words! Visit Jennifer for more Quick Takes.

One Thousand Gifts

Ann Voskamp. Could she be the woman who has the power to change my life? To change me from a bent over, tear releasing, withering woman to one who learns how to feel joy again, no, more than feel it, to live joy? To live His joy-the joy He surely must have meant for me when He created me as a speck in my mother's womb? That day, nearly forty-six years ago, when He reached deep within her thirty-eight year old tired body, already the carrier of eight lives before my own, and changed me from His thought to a real, living human being?

I've been reading Ann's A Holy Experience blog ever since I started to write Imprisoned in my Bones in my effort to release the God that for too long I had kept bottled up inside of me, as if I were trying to contain the essence of EVERYTHING and seal Him back up within this real, living human body that He created. My first visit to Ann's place and I fell in love. Everyone does. Who could not love that little farmer's wife, mother to a brood of six homeschooling wonders, who turns mere words into wisdom and poetry and love; whose heartbreakingly beautiful piano music and photography of her family and her farm makes me turn to her page again and again; who took her own pain- unspeakable pain- and lifelong depression, and turned it into joy with a list. That's it. A list.

I've made a few stumbling attempts to follow her example, you've seen them right here on several Mondays. But, I didn't number my gratitude like she does. I simply wrote it. Maybe that will change now. Her book came in the mail this week. The book that I had pre-ordered online over a month ago; the book that arrived on a day so busy that I was going to go right from work to the school gym where I was signed up to volunteer at the admission table for my son's basketball tournament, collecting dollars from guests who came to cheer on their sons; the day where I would leave the house at 6:45 in the morning but wouldn't arrive back home until 10:30 at night.

But first...

First, I placed a quick telephone call home to say hello to my husband, and breathe a word of love to him through the phone line. He said, "Do you have a minute to stop at home and get your book?"

He didn't have to tell me what book he was speaking about. "It came? YES! I will be right there!"

Walking in the back door, I saw it, still in the cardboard cover, right next to a sandwich brimming with ham, lettuce and tomatoes for my supper. My husband loves me well. I quickly unwrapped One Thousand Gifts and embraced it close. I took my book, my sandwich and my daughter and headed to the gym where the rest of our family would meet us when it would be time for Jack's game to start.

In between taking the dollars from the sports fans-parents, grandparents and siblings who were bursting with pride for the young basketball player in their lives, and in between bites of my sandwich, and in between conversations with my daughter about her future hopes for marriage at age twenty-two with two children to follow, ("Not five, or seven, or ten?" "No, Mom, they might be bratty children and how would I handle so many of them?" "No life in a convent praying to the God you are so madly in love with?" "No, Mom, I will always, always be madly in love with God, but I don't want to be a nun.") -I began to read Ann's words. Her words of wisdom, poetry and love.

And when I read these words on page twenty-six-
"For years of mornings, I have woken wanting to die. Life itself twists into a nightmare. For years, I have pulled the covers up over my head, dreading to begin another day I'd be bound to just wreck. Years, I lie listening to the taunt of names ringing off my interior walls, ones from the past that never drifted far away: Loser. Mess. Failure. They are signs nailed overhead, nailed through me, naming me. The stars are blinking out. Funny, this. Yesterday morning, the morning before, all these mornings, I wake to the discontent of life in my skin. I wake to self-hatred. To the wrestle to get it all done, the relentless anxiety that I am failing. Always, the failing. I yell at children, fester with bitterness, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late, neglect cleaning the toilets. I live tired. Afraid. Anxious. Weary. Years, I feel it in the veins, the pulsing of ruptured hopes. Would I ever be enough, find enough, do enough?"

I could feel my head nodding. Me too, Ann-Ann without the fanciful 'e', as she puts it. We share a name with or without an 'e', and we share pain. But, we both know that Ann(e) means "grace" and who better to show me how to live His grace, to accept His grace, to deeply live His grace, than a kindred Ann(e).

And I haven't gotten very far in the book. This morning, two days after receiving it, I open the book that I thought I would finish before leaving the basketball game and find that I am only on page forty-seven where she shares her story about how writing her list of One Thousand Gifts makes her feel happy. She says:

"Long, I am woman who speaks but one language, the language of the fall-discontentment and self-condemnation, the critical eye and the never satisfied...Well, if all these were gifts that God gives-then wasn't my writing down the list like...receiving. Like taking with thanks. Wait. 'And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them...' Gave thanks. This crazy-dare gift list-it's language lessons in eucharisteo! For real: But eucharisteo-it's the word Jesus whispered when death prowled close and His anguish trickled down bloody. He took the bread, even the bread of death, and gave thanks. I look down at my list. This thanks that I am doing-it seems so...crude. Trivial. If this list is the language of eucharisteo-this feels like...guttural groanings. But perhaps the "full of grace" vocabulary begins hauntingly, simply, like a child, thankful for the childlike. But doesn't the kingdom of heaven belong to such as these?"

I thought that I would pick up Ann's One Thousand Gifts and not put it down until I had devoured every last word along with my sandwich. The sandwich is long digested, but the book is going to take me forever to read through-each page gives me so much to consider, to contemplate. This book is taking me deeper into who God means for me to be. Thank you, Ann, without the fanciful 'e' for sharing your lessons with me, with everyone, and for carrying us along with you in your quest for gratitude.

It's time for me to really start my list...

1. rebellious son who wakes and finds me here typing, holds me long with his stretched out arms and whispers love, then asks "What time will you take me to confession?"

2. husband chef, who makes delicious sandwiches that nourish with love

3. kneeling low at a Holy Hour for life before an elaborate golden monstrance that houses the Author of life, and words from transitional deacon Christopher Klusman spoken in that glorious American Sign Language reminding all of their beauty that comes from the One who formed us fearfully, wonderfully, and I believe him, I believe that I am beautiful

4. words-words that drift from my mind through this keyboard and are shared with everyone on this blog, and with a few in intimate email messages, words of mine and words of others that have healing properties, words spilled out from me and words graciously meant for me, given to me by others, words that give love

5. women like Ann Voskamp who bravely share their pain and their searching for His grace so that I may learn how to find His grace as well

*************************************
Thank you, Ann, for One Thousand Gifts!

Ecce, Fiat, Magnificat

"This is the one who came through water and Blood, Jesus Christ,
not by water alone, but by water and Blood." 1 John 5:6






















Have you read Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Fr. Michael E. Gaitley, MIC, yet? It’s a wonderful book, a retreat that can be completed in a weekend for the purpose of comforting Jesus who continues to suffer from our sinful natures and our rejection of the love He offers to us. The entire book was wonderful with many references to St. Therese of Lisieux and St. Faustina. I found myself profoundly moved by Fr. Gaitley’s suggested breathing prayer. There are three parts to the prayer: holding a breathless moment, the inhale, and the exhale.

After releasing an exhale but before inhaling once again, he suggests that we hold that breathless moment, recognizing that here, in this empty space, we are weak and in need of God’s mercy. At this moment the prayer is Ecce-“behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord” and we offer ourselves just as we are.

While inhaling, the prayer is Fiat. We tell God “yes, let it be done to me” and a flood of merciful love flows into our hearts.

Finally, upon exhaling, we pray Magnificat and let our soul magnify the Lord. We offer praise to God for all of the good things that He has done for us. (This part reminds me of St. Bernard’s Four Degrees of Love-the second degree-Love of God for self’s sake.)

According to Fr. Gaitley, this entire prayer is an act of trust, and can become a spiritual communion. “It becomes one if we make it our intention when we inhale to receive God’s rejected merciful love into our emptiness. It’s especially like receiving Sacramental communion if we imagine that the merciful love we inhale is coming down from the pierced side of Christ as blood and water.”



















ECCE, FIAT, MAGNIFICAT-Lord, let me breathe in Your merciful love, fill my emptiness with a flood of Your blood and water and allow me to console You and praise You for all that You have done for me. Amen.

"Care for Creation" Book Tour

Christy Baldwin has written a practical children's book with tons of ideas for "living green" and it is written in such a way so that it doesn't talk down to children, but rather, expects children to live up to high standards in caring for the earth with which God has blessed us. Each suggestion is complemented by a Scripture verse that shows how God has always meant for humans to love the earth and to be stewards of this marvelous gift that he has given to us. The artwork by Shelly Draven colorfully enhances the written words and helps the reader to visualize the points made on each page.


My thanks to Nicole at Tribute Books for allowing me this opportunity to review "Care for Creation."

Camping Complaints

(photo-the bluffs at Devil's Lake State Park, Wisconsin)

The beauty belies the chill in the air, as frigid bodies curl close for warmth, and tents set up in the dark on top of tree roots make for sleepless nights.

The joys of camping-marshmallows roasting on the fire, hiking in the bluffs, fresh, clean air
in our lungs, family time spent close together without electronic interruptions-are overshadowed
by the cold of early autumn.

A friend once asked me if I wouldn't like to live outdoors in the beauty of nature. As my family and I hiked in the wooded bluffs around the lake I pondered that question and I almost thought I would answer yes to that lovely thought as a pristine day spent in nature with the glory of God filling my heart easily pushes away any negative thinking.

But sleepless nights in a flimsy tent during 40 degree weather take all reminders of the glories of nature away and I am quick to complain about how cold and tired I am and I wonder out loud why my family considers camping to be a vacation.

Later, I regret my whining words and I wish that I had offered all that suffering up for a higher cause. I thought of a book I recently read, "Merry in God" about the life of Fr. William Doyle, SJ, an Irish priest who served as a military chaplain during World War I. His letters and journals spoke of nights trying to catch a few minutes of sleep in a wet, muddy trench with giant rats all around and the sounds of bombs whistling through the air. During his years of service, he rarely complained about the weather, his sleeping conditions, or his lack of food, but instead focused on his need to minister to his fellow soldiers and bring God to their weary hearts. He offered Mass in the most difficult circumstances. He listened to endless confessions and offered general absolution before many major battles. But during all of the stress and difficulty of the horrors of war, he was forever smiling and loving to everyone, offering all of his hardship to God for the good of his comrades and the sake of their souls. And it was that spiritual service joyfully offered in time of war that finally took his life during a horrific battle.

Shame fills my heart when I realize how far away I am from that ideal attitude that makes saints out of men. These words of prayer from that very holy man are worth remembering when I am tempted to complain of little sufferings and inconveniences:

"O Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! Who would not love You, who would not give their heart's blood for You, if only once they realized the depth and the breadth and the realness of Your burning love? Why not then make every human heart a burning furnace of love for You, so that sin would become an impossibility, sacrifice a pleasure and a joy, virtue the longing of every soul, so that we should live for love, dream of love, breathe Your love, and at last die of a broken heart of love, pierced through and through with the shaft of love, the sweetest gift of God to man."

"I must eagerly welcome every little pain, suffering, small sickness, trouble, cross of any kind, as coming straight to me from the Sacred Heart. Am I not your loving victim, my Jesus?"

Prayer for Priests by Fr Doyle

O my God, pour out in abundance Thy spirit of sacrifice upon Thy priests. It is both their glory and their duty to become victims, to be burnt up for souls, to live without ordinary joys, to be often the objects of distrust, injustice, and persecution.

The words they say every day at the altar, "This is my Body, this is my Blood," grant them to apply to themselves: "I am no longer myself, I am Jesus, Jesus crucified. I am, like the bread and wine, a substance no longer itself, but by consecration another."

O my God, I burn with desire for the sanctification of Thy priests. I wish all the priestly hands which touch Thee were hands whose touch is gentle and pleasing to Thee, that all the mouths uttering such sublime words at the altar should never descend to speaking trivialities.

Let priests in all their person stay at the level of their lofty functions, let every man find them simple and great, like the Holy Eucharist, accessible to all yet above the rest of men. O my God, grant them to carry with them from the Mass of today, a thirst for the Mass of tomorrow, and grant them, ladened with gifts, to share these abundantly with their fellow men. Amen.

Fr. William Doyle, SJ

To learn more about Fr. William Doyle, visit Remembering Fr. William Doyle, SJ

"Why God Matters" Book Tour

There's something about the relationship between a father and his daughter that is much more special than any other relationship between any two people. If a woman grows up without feeling loved by and cared for by her father, no one else in the world can make that up to her, she will always have an empty hole in her heart that only her father can fill. (Of course this applies even more to our Heavenly Father than to our earthly father!)

So when I was offered the opportunity by Tribute Books to read and review "Why God Matters" by the father and daughter duo of Deacon Steven Lumbert and Karina Lumbert Fabian as part of a book tour, I was more than happy to oblige. Deacon Steven and Karina obviously enjoy a very close and loving relationship that includes the Lord at the heart of it, a closeness that was missing in my own life with my father, but which surprisingly feels closer than ever since he passed away four years ago. It was intruging for me to have a look at what that closeness might have been like while he was still living.

Deacon Steven is a convert to Catholicism and Karina, born after her father's conversion, is a cradle Catholic. Their book of very short stories and anecdotes of faith was very easy to read and a quick read as well, which made it very enjoyable to pick up and read through in short spurts rather than one long read. I enjoyed this aspect as I usually only have 10-15 minutes to sit with a book before the pace of my life causes me to get up and running once again.

After a little background of each of their experiences of faith in general, the book alternates between short stories written by each of them individually. Each short story chapter includes a quote of wisdom from other Catholic writers, a scripture quote, a quote from the Catechism of the Catholic Church and a life lesson section where the reader may apply the chapter to their own life.

I came away from this book with the feeling that living life as a Catholic is as simple as drawing God into the everyday ordinariness of life and turning to Him in both joy and sorrow because after all, that is where He is always found. I enjoyed the simplicity of "Why God Matters" and would highly recommend it, especially as a gift for someone in the RCIA process who is just beginning to learn and understand why God matters in their own lives.

I thank Deacon Steve and Karina for writing an authentic and spiritually uplifting book, and I thank Nicole at Tribute Books for offering me this opportunity to read and review "Why God Matters."

Greater Perfection

I have been taken by the words of Servant of God Sister Miriam Teresa Demjanovich from the order of the Sisters of Charity of St. Elizabeth in Convent Station, New Jersey. Born in 1901, Sister Miriam Teresa entered the Sisters of Charity in 1925. Noting her exceptional intelligence and deep faith, her spiritual director asked her to write the Spiritual Conferences for her order while she was still a novice, and it is these same conferences that comprise the book "Greater Perfection." It wasn't until after her death in 1927 that her spiritual director made it known that Sister Miriam Teresa was the author of the conferences. Although "Greater Perfection" was written for the religious, the profound words contained in this work are also applicable for lay people who are seeking to grow in holiness. Here is one of my favorite sections from the book, it is from the chapter "Reception of, and Thanksgiving After, Holy Communion."

"My sanctification. For this He comes. For this He holds audience with me. Of this we shall speak, He, my Guest, talking, and I, His host, listening. The quiet He desires is undisturbed. He has led me into solitude, the solitude of His heart; and my heart is beating now in unison with His. "Speak, Lord, for thy servant is listening." Now he utters things, unspeakable things, heretofore hidden from me-not words, no, but in the palpable silence of peace, the sweetness of His own dear presence. It is the golden wisdom of understanding that is now mine. The light that streams from the Godhead is penetrating the darkness of my intellect, dispelling the clouds of blindness and uncertainty, illuminating truths previously obscure. Looking at Him I love, and yielding without resistance to the ardor of His embrace, I begin to fathom little by little something of His incomprehensible Majesty. I begin to yearn with vehement longing to lose my nothingness in His immensity, to find my real self in Him, the immutable center toward which my soul naturally gravitates."

To learn more about Sister Miriam Teresa, visit here.

My Three Favorite Prayers

Sweet and kind Kee at Little Hare has tagged me for a MEME that is going around the blogosphere. I really like this MEME because it's focus is prayer and in reading those prayers of others who have been tagged, I have found that it inspires me to pray in some new and different ways. Thanks, Kee! Here are the rules:

"Name your three favourite prayers, and explain why they're your favourites.
Then tag five bloggers - give them a link, and then go and tell them they have been tagged. Finally, tell the person who tagged you that you've completed the meme. The Liturgy and the Sacraments are off limits here. I'm more interested in people's favourite devotional prayers."


1. Prayer to the Wounded Heart of Jesus

O my Most Loving and Gentle Jesus, I desire with all the affections of my heart, that all beings should praise Thee eternally for that Sacred Wound wherewith Thy Divine side was rent.

I deposit, enclose, conceal in that Wound and in that opening in Thy Heart, my heart and all my feelings, thoughts, desires, intentions and all the faculties of my soul. I entreat Thee, by the precious Blood and Water that flowed from Thy Most Loving Heart, to take entire possession of me, that Thou may guide me in all things.

Consume me in the burning fire of thy Holy Love, so that I may be so absorbed and transformed into Thee that I may no longer be but one with Thee. Amen.

I spent 20 minutes in prayer to the Sacred Heart of Jesus every day this past month of June and believe that it has changed my life! I feel a peace that I have never known and I am confident of God's love for me, knowing that He is holding me within His Sacred Heart. As I mentioned in a previous post, on the second day of my prayers, I received a sign of God's love when I found a piece of red sea glass that is shaped like a heart with a gash in the side. This is one of the prayers I prayed.

2. Prayer of St. John Vianney

I love You, O my God, and my only desire is to love You until the last breath of my life. I love You, O my infinitely lovable God, and I would rather die loving You, than live without loving You. I love You, Lord and the only grace I ask is to love You eternally...My God, if my tongue cannot say in every moment that I love You, I want my heart to repeat it to You as often as I draw breath.

This is so beautiful, I know it must please God to hear these words often.

3. St. Augustine's Prayer to the Holy Spirit

Breathe in me, O Holy Spirit, that my thoughts may all be holy. Act in me, O Holy Spirit, that my work, too, may be holy. Draw my heart, O Holy Spirit, that I love but what is holy. Strengthen me, O Holy Spirit, to defend all that is holy. Guard me, then, O Holy Spirit, that I always may be holy. Amen.

I have this prayer attached to my computer at work to remind me that it is the Holy Spirit who makes my work holy. Sometimes when I am dealing with people who dress provocatively or use foul language or speak crassly to their children, I need to remember that God is within them. The Holy Spirit helps me to cope when I get down on the people that God has brought into my life through my job at the WIC Clinic.

Finally, I just have to add that a great deal of my prayer comes in little bursts throughout the day. I only need to see or hear something that triggers a prayer such as "Jesus, Mary, Joseph, I love you, save souls" or "Jesus, son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner" or "Look to Him, that you may be radiant with joy and your faces may not blush with shame." This passage from Prayers of Hope by Francis Xavier Nguyen Van Thuan says it so well...

"Lord, you have given me a model for prayer: the Our Father. It is brief, concise, and packed with meaning. Your life, Lord, is a sincere and simple prayer addressed to your Father. Your prayer was sometimes long, like your ardent and spontaneous prayer after the Last Supper.

But, often your words, those of your mother and apostles were brief, linking together the actions of daily life. I, who often feel weak and indifferent, love to recall those brief prayers before the Eucharist, at my desk, in the street, alone. The more I repeat them, the more they penetrate me. I am close to you, Lord.

Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.
Father, that they may be one.
I am the handmaid of the Lord.
They have no wine.
Behold your son, behold your Mother!
Remember me when you come into your Kingdom.
Lord, what do you want me to do?
Lord, you know all things, you know that I love you.
Lord, have mercy on me, a poor sinner."

The life of Francis Xavier Nguyen Van Thuan was filled with pain and suffering. As a bishop in Vietnam, he was arrested and spent 13 years in prison, nine of those in solitary confinement. To overcome his intense suffering during this time, he chose to fill every minute of those years with love. He has written several books about his experience and they are deeply inspirational.

Everyone knows that the hardest part of participating in a MEME is to limit yourself to only five people to pass it on to. I would love to know everyone's favorite prayers, but hopefully, this will make itself far enough around that sooner or later, everyone will have a post of their three favorite prayers. I believe this MEME originated with Mac at Mulier Fortis. I pass this MEME on to:

Easter at Mostly Prayers
Fr. James Kubicki at Offer It Up
Michael at Reach Paradise
Do Not Be Anxious
my son, John, at Writings of a Boy Discerning God's Call

I look forward to learning about your favorite prayers!

Summoned by Love

When an infant grows inside it's mother, it grows in silence. The baby grows without making a sound. I was greatly struck by this passage from "Summoned by Love" by Carlo Caretto. I love how he compares our life on earth with the gestation of a baby. Oh Lord, how I long to see Your face!






















"The gestation of a child lasts for nine months. Our gestation as sons of God, a whole lifetime.

The child in its mother's womb has little room to dispose of; in God's womb there is all the room in the world.

But even if we can run and do all sorts of things in it, this is still 'inside', and hence we still can't see the face of our begetter.

"In him, we are, we move, we breathe" (Acts 17:28), but we do not see.

When we eventually emerge, we shall see him face to face, as Scripture tells us.

Now, God wraps us up like this, and the darkness of his activity is called faith; the incentive to become our complete selves is called hope, and the love sustaining all this is called charity.

It is hard for us not to forget that he is there.

It is hard because everything that happens to us, happens in silence, and the silence frightens us.

We should like him to say, "here I am" or reveal his presence with thunder or lightening...but he prefers silence...the things of God have no need of words.

"The heavens proclaim God's glory,
the sky displays his creative skill;
day after day, this is re-attested,
night after night, this is re-affirmed.
Not by speaking, not by talking,
not by any sound that can be heard,
but, by spanning the entire earth,
this message reaches the whole world."

Things speak for themselves; the heavens themselves speak. But God comes in silence...

I know that the path of faith, hope and charity leads in the opposite direction from the path of illusion.

It leads towards God's silence.
Towards the starkness of the Cross.
Towards the transparency of night.
It is like light. In the cosmos all is dark, outside the atmosphere all is dark.
Yet nothing is more luminous than this pure darkness.

-Carlo Carretto
Summoned by Love

Elisabeth Leseur

Every once in a while, the Holy Spirit slips a book into my hands and it has such a deep influence on me, that my life becomes changed for the better for having read it. Several years ago I purchased a wonderful book by Gina Loehr called “Real Women, Real Saints.” It was the composite of many wonderful women who were each called upon to draw the world closer to God in their own unique ways. A few weeks ago, I was praying to learn God’s will for me in my vocation as wife and mother and to show me how to draw my family ever closer to God and to deep devotion towards him, when I remembered reading about Elisabeth Leseur in Gina’s book.

Elisabeth Leseur was a Frenchwoman who lived from 1866-1914. She was a devout Catholic who was married to an atheist. Her husband and his atheistic friends would tease and criticize Elisabeth for her faith. She decided that she would not antagonize them, but rather, kept her faith inside and released it into a journal. She offered up all of the sufferings that she endured, both from the torment of her husband with whom she was deeply in love, and from her many physical sufferings that resulted in her death from breast cancer, in a pact with God. The gist of the pact was that her sufferings would bring about a change in her husband so that he would return to Catholicism and become a priest upon her death. Her husband, Felix, read her diary after she died, and he did indeed, convert and become a priest. Elisabeth Leseur’s cause for canonization continues to be investigated today.

Her journal, “My Spirit Rejoices”, was published by Felix. In it, I found many quotes that caused my own spirit to rejoice. In this Catholic laywoman, I found a kindred spirit who could reinforce my need to take all things to God and to maintain a joyful presence for my family and the world around me. What follows are some of the quotes from her journal that most moved my heart. It is my prayer that they will move your heart as well!

Elisabeth Leseur Quotes from My Spirit Rejoices

“My present trial seems to me a somewhat painful one, and I have the humiliation of knowing how badly I bore it at first. I now want to accept and to carry this little cross joyfully, to carry it silently, with a smile in my heart and on my lips, in union with the Cross of Christ. My God, blessed be Thou; accept from me each day the embarrassment, inconvenience, and pain this misery causes me. May it become a prayer and an act of reparation."

“A few moments of meditation and recollection each morning in the presence of God transforms and perfumes the whole day, like flowers cast about when night comes, whose fragrance at dawn anoints everything they have touched.”

“It is a difficult task, a heroic effort, to bring forth the thought that is in us, but we must do it, breaking our souls as we might break a sacred vase so that others may breathe the divine perfume.”

“Silence is sometimes an act of energy, and smiling, too.”

“When blood no longer flows from an open wound, to the indifferent eye it seems that healing is near. Nothing could be more wrong; the wound that no longer bleeds is the one that will never heal.”

“What good is confiding one’s pains, miseries and regrets to those to whom one cannot say at the end, “pray for me”?

In the book "Selected Writings of Elizabeth Leseur" edited and translated by Janet Ruffing, there are a collection of letters written to friends and family members. In a letter to her Goddaughter as she was preparing for her First Communion, Elisabeth says:

“With the Church, I believe that the whole structure of our moral, national and social life is based on the family, and I am convinced that everything done for the family enhances the greatness and strength of peoples and societies; on the other hand, they are irretrievably destroyed as soon as the family, the cornerstone of the structure, is attacked.
Thus, you will do all you can to strengthen in every way respect for family life. Later on, when you have your own family, you will make your home a warm and lively center of influence, and you will be a guiding spirit for those who live in the light that you spread. You will be a friend and companion to your husband, and a guide and model of moral strength to your children. You will possess that precious treasure…a serenity and peace of mind that nothing can destroy, neither trials nor losses, since God is their source, and God gives them sometimes in proportion to our own sufferings.
This is one of those mysterious compensations, unknown on a purely human level but known only to God who alone reveals the secret.
You will develop the habit through daily effort and the help of God’s grace to “possess your soul in peace,” to be gentle and lovingly composed in your attitude toward events, people and life itself. Sometimes managing to smile requires true heroism; may your smile, whether thoughtful or joyful, always do good.”

Elisabeth Leseur, a married lay woman, is a perfect role model for all married women who strive to serve their husbands and families through silent service and non-stop prayer.

Pondering Pages/The Strangest Way

I loved The Strangest Way-Walking the Christian Path by Fr. Robert Barron, so I'm sharing some of my favorite quotes from the book for this week's Pondering Pages contribution in conjunction with Lara's Holy Mothering MEME. I hope that you will find them to be as inspiring as I did. Most of them deal with prayer, and what I love about his suggestions is that they are so easy, such as simply touching a cross necklace to center a chaotic day in Christ. One thing I have been doing in the past year is praying the prayer of the priest at Mass during the preparation of the altar, "Lord, wash away my iniquity, cleanse me from all my sin", each time I wash my hands. I love simple prayers that we can easily work into our daily routine so that we can obey St. Paul in his instruction to "pray constantly."(Thes 5:16-18) So without further ado, some great words of wisdom from Fr. Robert Barron...

“The great mark of the disciple is obedience, abiding by the divine command; and the great mark of the anti-disciple is trying to master God.”

“No one is ever holy without suffering. Holiness involves suffering because holiness finally is reduced to love, the forgetting of oneself.”

Regarding the Jesus prayer: “While one prays the first part of the mantra, one is encouraged to breathe in deeply, filling the lungs entirely. This act symbolizes the filling of the heart with the living presence of Christ, the placing of Jesus at the center of all that we are. At the conclusion of the payer, one holds one’s breath for a brief period and then exhales while reciting the conclusion “Have mercy on me, a sinner.” This last gesture evokes the expelling of sin from the heart. The double movement of breathing in and breathing out is sort of a cleansing process, a taking in of the Holy Spirit and a letting go of unclean spirits.”

“The most striking quality of the rosary prayer is its deliberate pace, the way it, despite ourselves, slows us down. It is a common practice of the spiritual masters that the soul likes to go slow. This is because it likes to savor. Thomas Aquinas said there are two basic moves of the will, to seek after the good that is absent and to rest in the good possessed.”

“The touching of the crucifix focuses the entire personality on the power of Christ-centering and grounding it-this act wards off powers, interior and exterior, that seek to unravel the unity of the soul…spiritual integrity is affected, not simply by interior processes, but also by moves of the body, Christ entering through touch as much as through thought or feeling. A crucifix worn around one’s neck can serve as a powerful centering device. In the course of the day, when beset by a dozen worries and distractions, a believer can simply touch that symbol and thereby effect the gathering of the soul.”

“When we pray, it is not so much keen feelings of devotion that force us to our knees as kneeling that gives rise to keen feelings of devotion.”

“The humble man will always be talkative; for he is interested in his subject and knows that it is best shown by talk. But the proud man will be generally silent; for he is not interested in his subject, but in himself.” I liked this last one because I am such a chatterbox and I found comfort here about something that I had considered to be a weakness in myself. Maybe it's not a weakness after all!

Pondering Pages/Pardon and Peace

Better late than never, right? I loved the book "Pardon and Peace" by Alfred Wilson, but this avid reader has become quite sluggish in making her way through the books lately. I wanted to completely finish this book before I wrote anything about it, and I'm glad I did because the end was the very best part! So here, two days late for Lara's Holy Mothering MEME, is my pondering pages contribution.

On September 23rd, the feast day of St. Padre Pio, my son John and I attended a beautiful program on the Sacrament of Reconciliation. The relics of St. Padre Pio were at the church for veneration and a priest gave a three hour talk about the Sacrament. His talk was outstanding! If anyone had ever asked me if I would be willing to stand in line for two hours to confess my sins, I would have said "No, I'll go somewhere else with a shorter line." But let me tell you, after hearing this talk, I was just burning to go to confession and release that burden of sin that was weighing me down. So, I got in line and I did wait two hours for the Sacrament with no regrets for the time spent, for it was very well spent.

During his talk, the priest kept referring to a wonderful book he had read. The book was "Pardon and Peace" by Alfred Wilson. It was written in 1947. The book is really a "how to" manual about the Sacrament. It covers everything you could ever want to know about the "hows" and the "whys" of confessing sins. It offers encouragement and compassion while at the same time, talks about the respect and responsibilities that we should remember when celebrating the Sacrament.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, the ending of the book really touched my heart and sent my spirit soaring, so I share part of that with you...

In speaking about the miracle of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead..."The raising of a soul from the death of sin to the divine life of grace is a still greater marvel and miracle. No bodily corruption can compare with the spiritual corruption of a soul in the state of mortal sin; a spiritual corpse is far more repulsive than a physical corpse. The spiritual degradation of a soul in mortal sin is indescribable, but even more indescribable is the transcendent beauty of a soul in grace. To transform a sinner from the loathsome corruption of spiritual death to the dazzling beauty of participated divine life is a work of power and mercy which even the angels cannot fully understand."

"Approach this Sacrament in a spirit of tranquility and boundless trust. You are going...to your Divine Friend of Friends, Who only asks you to lay bare your wounds that He may heal them. A drop of Precious Blood is, as it were, about to fall on your soul and "though your sins be as scarlet, they shall become white as snow." He is overjoyed that you are coming to Him-you must believe that."

And for me, I do believe that, and I can't wait to receive the Sacrament again, before my Consecration this Saturday, and with that forgiveness of my sins and the touch of Jesus' loving hand upon me, I know that I will be ready to stand in God's presence and profess my eternal love and devotion to Jesus and Mary.

Pondering Pages/Compassionate Fire

In deep gratitude to Lara at Holy Mothering for coming up with this wonderful Pondering Pages idea!

My wonderful friend Kathy at the Salzmann Library has done it again! I only have to walk in the library door and there she is with a new book that she is holding for me! I don't know how she knows what I will like...she must be a kindred spirit!

"Compassionate Fire: The Letters of Thomas Merton and Catherine de Hueck Doherty" edited by Robert Wild, is fantastic! I love to read the letters of saints and holy people, maybe because I love to write letters myself (well, usually by e-mail!)and only hope that one day I will be considered a saint and a holy person. I could really relate to Catherine's letters to Thomas, they were so loving and sweet! So, all of the quotes that I want to share from this book are from her. Catherine de Hueck Doherty was a Russian immigrant who established 'Friendship House' which, much like the Catholic Worker, was an organization which helped the poor. She and Thomas Merton worked together briefly at the Friendship House in Harlem before he entered Gethsemane Abbey.

So, here are some of the wonderful words that she wrote to this holy man...

"A saint is a well-rounded person, ready and able to do what God wants him to do. Never separate sainthood from ordinary living. For after all, what is it fundamentally but doing everyday things extremely well."

"I meditate best in writing."

"God who fashioned you, uses you to help others. And at the same time it is as if He allowed you the greatest gift, the lifting of the veil that separates us normally from Him. You have felt that haven't you, each time you meet someone that talks to you about God? Never mind if it is for or against Him, for he whoever bothers about God in one way or another is hearing the baying of the hound of heaven."

"Contemplation to me is so very simple. It goes on all the time "inside" of me, because of love. It cannot be stopped because it is like a hunger, a fire, that burns inside of one. Once you have passionately fallen in love with God, contemplation becomes the very essence of you, while you go about the Father's business. Nothing interferes with it because it can't. Love unites with the Beloved thru it. It goes on amidst the noise of cities, the chaotic brouhas of lecture tours, the whirlwind of places, the swish of auto tires on thruways. In the slums, in the fine parlors, it is always there for it is just simply and naturally the "being one with God" inside oneself. You see, He wants it, you wanted it, and there it is."

Finally, after Thomas Merton's death, she wrote a letter to the Abbott at Gethsemane and said "Father Louis, in some strange mysterious way I never quite understood, was in part my spiritual son."

Pondering Pages/The Reed of God

Once again, I join with Lara at Holy Mothering to share my love for books.

I have recently read "The Reed of God" by Caryll Houselander written in 1944. This was a fabulous book and I absolutely loved it! (I also greatly enjoyed "The Way of the Cross" by the same author.) Her writing is poetic and her love and understanding of the Virgin Mary is deeply felt through her inspired words. This was a book that could not be put down once it was begun! The opening paragraphs follow...

"That virginal quality, which, for want of a better word,I call emptiness is the beginning of contemplation.

It is not a formless emptiness, a void without meaning; on the contrary it has a shape, a form given to it by the purpose for which it was intended.

It is emptiness like the hollow in a reed, the narrow riftless emptiness which can only have one destiny: to receive the piper's breath and to utter the song that is in his heart.

It is emptiness like the hollow in the cup, shaped to receive water or wine.

It is an emptiness like that of a bird's nest,built in a warm, round ring to receive the little bird.

The pre-Advent emptiness of our Lady's purposeful virginity was indeed like those three things.

She was a reed through which the Eternal Love was to be piped as a shepherd's song.

She was a flowerlike chalice into which the purest water of humanity was to be poured, mingled with wine, changed to the crimson blood of love and lifted up in sacrifice.

She was the warm nest rounded to the shape of humanity to receive the Divine Little Bird."

Pondering Pages/No Wonder They Call It The Real Presence

Every once in a while, a book comes into my hands that just had to be placed there by divine intervention, and this one truly qualifies. I wish I could remember who it was that suggested this book to me because I want to thank them. I especially want to thank my friend Kathy at the Salzmann library who special-ordered this book at my request! It is really fabulous! No Wonder They Call it the Real Presence:Lives Changed by Christ in Eucharistic Adoration by David Pearson recounts the stories of nine men and women whose lives have been deeply affected by the time that they spent praying before the exposed host.

Each story had something in it that stood out as a reminder of my life, whether a current event or something from long ago, and my heart was moved.

I especially enjoyed the story about Mal whose two stepchildren died, followed by his wife. The experience of loss that he felt at losing his two stepchildren was overshadowed by the loss he felt when he realized that his wife loved Jesus more than she loved him, and he knew he couldn't compete. But by the time he tragically lost his wife, Mal had also fallen deeply in love with Jesus, and even though he had suffered so much in his life, he was so on fire for the Lord that joy was all that came through in his story.

The expression "save the best for last" was definitely true in the story of Simonetta. She was a revert to Catholicism who was fortunate to be allowed to spend seven and one half minutes with Fr.John Hardon, SJ. She asked him if she needed a spiritual director and he told her no. He said "My spiritual director is my journal. God is my spiritual director. Trust me. You need to write, and write and write some more. God will talk to you through your journaling. Spend time before the Eucharist, and write." She complained that she wasn't very good at writing and didn't think that was her calling. He replied, "Write." Later she went to confession and this is the penance that the priest gave to her-"Spend an hour in front of Jesus in the Eucharist, and pray. And what I also want you to do is write before the Blessed Sacrament." So off she went to adoration and there she "cried for the entire hour. I knew he was really present. And I wrote and I wrote and I wrote."

I had a similar experience in confession with a priest whom I had never met before who told me that I should continue to write because through this means I would draw souls to Christ. It seems impossible that a priest who is a stranger to you could utter a few words that would start a new calling in your heart and have the power to not only change you, but to also change others through you.

I was amazed as I read these stories and learned that I am not the only person to have felt the power of God through both adoration and confession. To me, reading this book was a little miracle of affirmation and I would highly recommend it to others.

from St. Augustine: "He took earth from earth, because flesh is from the earth, and he took Flesh of the flesh of Mary. He walked on earth in that same Flesh, and gave that same Flesh to us to be eaten for our salvation. Moreover no one eats that Flesh unless he has adored it...and we sin by not adoring it."

Pondering Pages/Your Sorrow is My Sorrow

I’m not usually a big fan of Joyce Rupp, she’s a bit too trendy for this old-fashioned, traditional girl, but this book was an exception for I found that her words resonated deeply within my own life experiences. For the Feast of the Sorrows of Mary, I found this to be a very fitting book to share for Pondering Pages sponsored by Lara at Holy Mothering.

Your Sorrow Is My Sorrow-Hope and Strength in Times of Suffering offers reflections on each of the Seven Sorrows of Mary and unites them to current suffering that many of us experience in our own lives. The author divides the book into seven sections and in each section she writes a meditation from the viewpoint of our blessed Mother called “Mary Speaks”. She then gives specific examples of how Mary’s sorrows touch our lives today. Each chapter concludes with several prayers and reflection questions.


Here is an excerpt from the chapter Standing Beneath the Cross that touched my heart:

“Mary opened her arms and widened her lap to receive her crucified son. It was a natural response for her because her entire being had always been open to him. The generosity of Mary’s spirit inspires my own willingness to be with those who suffer. Her ability to receive suffering rekindles my own desire to be there for others, in an open and generous way. Her broad shoulders and her wide lap tell me that it is possible to enter into deep suffering and survive.

When Mary held Jesus that last time, she did not know where his body ended and hers began, so deeply was she united with him. When we are compassionately joined with the suffering of another as Mary was with Jesus, their great distress will resound in our soul. When our hearts are receptive and loving as Mary’s was, we will embrace this suffering and know in a deep place within us what it is like to be a living Pieta.”

Pondering Pages/True Devotion to Mary

Lara at Holy Mothering had the great idea to share a love for books in this weekly MEME format...




I have been considering consecrating myself to Mary through the intercession of St. Louis de Montfort. BothJamie and Lara have done this and written about it on their blogs. I have found their stories about the impact this has had on their lives to be fascinating and inspiring. Last year, before I even knew what total consecration was about, my sister Cindy and I attended a morning of prayer and reflection hosted by my very dear friend, Fr. Don. Just before the consecration, Fr. Don cautioned everyone not to come forward for the consecration unless they were well prepared and fully understood what they were undertaking. I gratefully stayed in my seat as I really had no idea what was going on. So, I thought I had better be prepared when Consecration day rolls around this October 17th. To help myself prepare, I read St. Louis de Montfort's True Devotion to Mary. It was a sweet and sentimental book with a powerful message. In fact, the message was so powerful that I have decided to forgo consecration again this year.


After reading the True Devotion to Mary, I just couldn't drum up the fervor for consecration that I felt I should have if I were to follow through. I don't know what it will take to bring about that deep devotion for my beautiful Mother that I think I lack in my heart. But I trust that my desire for it will be fulfilled in God's time. In the meantime, I think I would be doing a grave disservice to Mary by consecrating myself to her just because other people have found joy in doing so. I have been recalling the words of Fr. Don when I was considering joining a religious order as a lay member. He told me that instead of looking outwards and wanting to do things that I found interesting and holy in other people's lives, I should really be looking inward, and go deeper into who I already am. With that in mind, I think that consecrating myself to Mary needs to be a desire deep within my heart, and until I am sure of that desire, I will wait for consecration. For now, I can live with this decision, and I hope that Mary can as well.

In the meantime, I would like to honor my beloved Blessed Mother on the feast of her birthday with my own words...








Radiant Mother,

prayerfully standing
clothed in blue
you are the image of pure beauty
but something is hidden underneath
your beauty
something I can't understand
despite my best efforts

there is a sword that pierces your heart
deep pain and sorrow surround you
but you don't complain
you remain silent
you ponder your world without a sound

your hands are constantly
folded in prayer and
you forever maintain
a slight smile on your face
as if you know a secret

perhaps your secret
is that your prayer of love
brings you joy
and you quietly reflect that
joy to the world
attracting us to the peace
that you have found

I love you, my beautiful Mother,
and I long to join you in that quiet,
reflective prayer
I want to draw peace from the
hole of emptiness
that is within my own heart

teach me your secret
dearest Mother
help me to hold the pain inside
hidden in silence,
and to only reveal
the joy that exists
within my heart
to the world around me
Amen.

Pondering Pages/Gifts From the Sea

A weekly MEME sponsored by Lara at Holy Mothering...

A few years ago, I experienced what I was sure was a mid-life crisis. I know that term seems so cliche, but I just can't explain it any other way. For the first time in my life I felt challenged to define who I really was and where I was headed with my life. Up until that point, I was always self-assured and confident. Suddenly, I felt like a frightened child, as if everything I had known and loved fell to pieces in my heart. I was scared, confused and depressed. I'm sure that God used this time to draw me closer to Him, as He often uses our trials in life as a means to show us His deep and tender love for us. In "Gifts from the Sea" by Anne Morrow Lindbergh, I felt the compassion and understanding of God through her words of experience. This book tells the story of a retreat she took at her summer home by the sea. While alone with God, the sea and her notebook, she pondered the meaning of her life in a beautifully poetic way and through her words, I no longer felt alone in my struggles.

"Many people never climb above the plateau of 40-50. The signs that presage growth, so similar, it seems to me, to those in early adolescence: discontent, restlessness, doubt, despair, longing, are interpreted falsely as signs of decay...In middle age, because of the false assumption that it is a period of decline, one interprets these life-signs as signs of approaching death. Instead of facing them, one runs away; one escapes into depressions, nervous breakdowns, drink, love affairs, or frantic, thoughtless, fruitless overwork. Anything rather than face them. Anything rather than stand still and learn from them. One tries to cure the signs of growth, to exorcise them, as if they were devils, when really they might be angels of annunciation.

Angels of annunciation of what? Of a new stage of living when, having shed many of the physical struggles, the worldly ambitions, the material encumbrances of active life, one might be free to fulfill the neglected side of one's self. One might be free for growth of mind, heart and talent; free at last for spiritual growth. Beautiful as it was, it was still a closed world one had to outgrow."

I also loved some of her passages about writing:

"What release to write so that one forgets oneself, forgets one's companion, forgets where one is or what one is going to do next-to be drenched in work as one is drenched in sleep or in the sea."

"I must write it all out, at any cost. Writing is thinking. It is more than living, for it is being conscious of living."

And finally, about friendship...

"Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces."

And for my friend Judy, at BENMAKESTEN, some pieces of glass she's been wanting to see, my own gift from the sea!