Monday, November 16, 2009

This, too

I’m afraid that I will never know what it is like

to be whole and peaceful this side of heaven.

Whenever fresh pain enters my heart,

the remnant of a voice from the past comes back to haunt me,

“It’s your Good Friday, Anne, get on the cross."

I cry softly in the early morning hours of darkness,

desperately hoping God will hear me,

and release me from this pain,

but silence is the only reply.

Lonely, empty, long-lasting silence.

And when the help does finally come,

in the form of friends and family who really do care,

and put their arms around me and tell me that they love me,

I find that their love hurts, too.

I don’t believe that I deserve it.

Unworthiness and low self-esteem are my constant companions.

With a sigh, I ask God,

“This too, Lord? Do you want me to accept this pain too?

Do you want to take all of what I am, all of what I am not and all that I will never be?”

I’ve tasted resurrection; I’ve had joy after the sorrow of the past.

Now, I am here on the other side of that hill again,

standing before the cross that is waiting for me once more.

It beckons to me with the knowledge

that Jesus died because He loves me

and if I truly love Him in return,

I must also die to myself.

Like a child, I greedily beg to hold on to the joy for a little while longer.

I bite my lip to hold back the tears.

The blood dries hard on my lip like the happiness that is shriveling in my heart.

Lip biting is useless; the tears come anyway.

Never-ending tears.

I walk the familiar pavement that leads to my cross,

face to the ground hoping my tears will go unnoticed.

Cold November wind stings my damp face.

I hear the Spirit’s reply;

"This too, Anne. I want all of you.”

I bravely surrender my desires and reach out for my cross.

“This too, Lord. I give you my all.”


  1. This is absolutely beautiful Anne...thank you for making my morning time so special today.
    "This is your Good Friday...get on the Cross"
    WOW...I love that.

    I have pondered the "embracing" part of Jesus many many times...He didn't just "take it up"...He didn't just "do it because it needed done"...HE EMBRACED IT....LOVINGLY and FULL OF HEART.

    Your poem reminds me that I AM CALLED TO DO THE SAME.


  2. Beautiful poem, Anne. Offers a lot to think about.

  3. The soft colorful sky behind the lone cross shows such promise. God Bless you Anne.

  4. God Bless you, Anne. Such beautiful visuals in such a joyful yet sad poem. Thank you for sharing.

  5. Anne,
    I love the poem. As Judy said, Jesus embraced His cross. He also embraces us and when he does I sometimes think we feel the thorns from the crown He wears.
    Your poem also made me think of the book Hinds feet On High Places(can't recall the author off the top of my head) If you have never read it- it's an excellent book. Your line about "constant companions" made me think of the book. The main character also has her own constant companions.
    Thanks for sharing this.
    Hugs & Blessings!

  6. Anne, this is so unbelievably beautiful. Made me cry. I am having that kind of a day today. Your poem is my blessing today. Thank you for being unafraid to share with us. To put your self out there like this, takes great courage. But those of us who are your "regular" readers, can learn so much. And in our hearts know exactly what you mean. We live it too. Nice to know there are others all over that are doing the same thing! God is so pleased! Thank you Anne. Your poetry is stunning.